Ever since my mother discovered emojis I feel like she’s been hitting on me.

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three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs


Getting sick of seeing dogs that are not falling in love or at least sharing spaghetti.


Me: *mouths I love you*
M: *blows kiss*
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*


Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.

~Menstruational Tweet


I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.


Been flirting with this hot chick in this bar for almost a hour now. It’s only a matter of time now till nothing sexual happens whatsoever.


And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”


I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.