@better_off_dad2

Ever since my mother discovered emojis I feel like she’s been hitting on me.

You Might Also Like

@lucidchemistry

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

@Dawn_M_

Getting sick of seeing dogs that are not falling in love or at least sharing spaghetti.

@CVTBaby

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

@Nahdude83

Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.

~Menstruational Tweet

@TheBoydP

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

@jazmasta

Been flirting with this hot chick in this bar for almost a hour now. It’s only a matter of time now till nothing sexual happens whatsoever.

@MomOnFire

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”

@AbbyHasIssues

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.