[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
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How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
can’t believe I got front row seats
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time