@davetureq

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

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@drxubair

I’d love to change the world. But I don’t think there is a diaper big enough to hold all the shit.

@awkwardphilippe

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

@Mom_Overboard

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

@Fred_Delicious

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

@TayTayJustine

Look, if you can take a smoke break, I should be able to take a twitter break.

It’s not like one addiction outweighs the other, HR!

@minnascule

just learned that “hanky panky” is not slang for “hankering for a pancake”. feeling devastated

@3sunzzz

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

@david8hughes

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

@nPhelendriqal

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.