Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
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I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.