I’d love to change the world. But I don’t think there is a diaper big enough to hold all the shit.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
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If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Look, if you can take a smoke break, I should be able to take a twitter break.
It’s not like one addiction outweighs the other, HR!
just learned that “hanky panky” is not slang for “hankering for a pancake”. feeling devastated
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.