Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
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Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.