Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
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somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?