Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
You Might Also Like
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything