one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
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Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Are these grass-fed oranges?
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.