Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
You Might Also Like
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK