Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
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[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Received some very disappointing news today
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses