Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they’re doing right now? They’re playing on their phone. Everyone is playing on their phone.

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Subway kid: Would you like your sandwich toasted?

Me: No, I’m toasted enough for both us. In fact I’m kind of hoping it can drive me home.


Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?


Best observation on financial markets that anyone has ever made or will ever make:


Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy


Apparently googling “how to get suspended with pay” from my work computer is frowned on by my employer.


I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.


The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.


FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
ME: The ghost of my mother.