@jazmasta

Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they’re doing right now? They’re playing on their phone. Everyone is playing on their phone.

You Might Also Like

@Cpt_Burnout

Subway kid: Would you like your sandwich toasted?

Me: No, I’m toasted enough for both us. In fact I’m kind of hoping it can drive me home.

@GorillaNipples1

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

@pmarca

Best observation on financial markets that anyone has ever made or will ever make:

@Browtweaten

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

@704919828

Apparently googling “how to get suspended with pay” from my work computer is frowned on by my employer.

@cheeky__gal

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

@NervousJr

The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.

@UncleDuke1969

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.