I corrected the names of all my friends in my Contacts.
Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they’re doing right now? They’re playing on their phone. Everyone is playing on their phone.
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Subway kid: Would you like your sandwich toasted?
Me: No, I’m toasted enough for both us. In fact I’m kind of hoping it can drive me home.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Best observation on financial markets that anyone has ever made or will ever make:
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Apparently googling “how to get suspended with pay” from my work computer is frowned on by my employer.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.