Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
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Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
War & Peace
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*