@markydoodoo

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

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@McClaneJohn2

According to the amount of bacon I just put in the air fryer, I’m a family of 8.

@HallowedCrow

DEAR ENTIRE WORLD: LIGHTENING IS WHAT BLEACH DOES TO HAIR. LIGHTNING IS WHAT I’M GOING TO STRIKE YOU WITH FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST SPELLING.

@myonlymizztake

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

@MadisonCarly26

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

@CulturedRuffian

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

@Parkerlawyer

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

@TheFunnyWorId

Wanna talk about Sodium?
Na

Nitric Oxide?
NO

Oxygen Magnesium Phosphorus Iodine Sulfur or Fluorine?
OMg PISS OFF

…Potassium?
K