Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
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My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together