you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
You Might Also Like
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I think about this a lot
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
#winning
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.