“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
You Might Also Like
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.