Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

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*i catch my popular son trying to sneak out of the house in a letterman jacket again* oh no you don’t, mister. this is a goth family


Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!


I dunno if anyone else follows Play-Doh on Facebook but you should cause they’re doing some serious damage control


A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”


*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No


If I ever run into Captian Crunch, I’m gonna punch him in the roof of his mouth.


[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how


Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.


Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.


*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”