Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
You Might Also Like
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.