Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like

you stereotypes are all alike

It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop