Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
You Might Also Like
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry