Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

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Men ask us if we’re naked when we tell them we’re taking a bath. THAT’S why they pay more for their car insurance.


shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch


(filming reality TV show)

him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot

me: so a guy with just one foot?

him: no, an ape-type creature

me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot

him: he has 2 feet

me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?

him: get out


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.


You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.


I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.


She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…


In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.


me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster


A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.