Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
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Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.