Every Adele song is about lasagna.
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i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??