Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
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I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.