Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
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Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside