Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
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Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.