Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
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Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.