The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
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Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
“Damn girl are you a dam, girl? Cuz your water just broke haha”
yes we will go to the hospital in a minute honey, jesus christ im tweeting
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Me: “There are so many exotic sounding flavours these days. I just can’t resist-”
Doctor: “YOU NEED TO STOP DRINKING SHAMPOO!”
i used to be good at math but then i finished 1st grade
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.