“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
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[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Breaking news:
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries