My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
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fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”