every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
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Kidney stones? Hard pass
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee