Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
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These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.