Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

You Might Also Like


See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.


I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.


Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
Me: *throat-punches him*


“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.


Ladies :

Who’s the man who, with
just the slightest touch-

gives you chills and makes
you tremble with anticipation ?

Your dentist.


Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir


That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.


Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.