Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
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A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?