Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
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I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.