1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
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I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
The three genders.