Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
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me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Batman v Dracula
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?