@MomOnFire

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

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@StorybookBlonde

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

@AaronFullerton

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

@anerdonfire2

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

@Abusitron

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

@TheRolo

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

@maybetomhanks

texts from ur dentist:

1. Happy birthday! Make sure you sign up for your six month appointment

2. This is a reminder to schedule an appointment!

3. I miss us lol

4. Ur just gna ignore me? lol. I’ve been in ur mouth

@My_Ego_Altered

I’m eating a bottle of glitter so when I get drunk and throw up tonight people will think I’m a unicorn in human form.

@GrantTanaka

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

@CatFoodBreath

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW