every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
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wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.