Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
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[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face