Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
You Might Also Like
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine