He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
You Might Also Like
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
im actually a very hot person, don’t let my looks deceive you
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS3 in return.
WOMEN ARE EVIL-
Uhh just a second…
*picks up phone*
Mom not while I’m doing my club! Yes, pizza tonight.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Wife: Timmy’s hamster Mr Fuzzy died this morning and we have to replace him before he gets back from nursery
Me: *gestures at kid* Well?
Wife: i meant the hamster
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014