@JustinGuarini

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

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@LoriLuvsShoes

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m pretty?
Cop: No
Me: Because I’m on Twitter?
Cop: No
Me: Officer I can do this all day

@TheBoydP

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

@Intooblivion3

Before I rip these panties off you I gotta ask. Are they Victoria’s Secret or Wal-Mart? It’s important cause I’m on a budget and I’ll feel obligated to replace them.

@Cheeseboy22

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

@_NTFG_

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

@ElizaBayne

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

@Marlinaire

Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.