Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
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I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work