Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

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Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m pretty?
Cop: No
Me: Because I’m on Twitter?
Cop: No
Me: Officer I can do this all day


Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?


Before I rip these panties off you I gotta ask. Are they Victoria’s Secret or Wal-Mart? It’s important cause I’m on a budget and I’ll feel obligated to replace them.


A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”


Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.


Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is


Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.