Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
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Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”