Every day I wake up and think today’s the day I’m going to eat healthy and then I accidentally stumble into a cake shop and fall mouth first onto a chocolate brownie and it’s all ruined

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Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”


I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.


Babysitting Pro Tip: Make them play Dungeons & Dragons until they love it so their parents will never have to worry about teenage pregnancy.


ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no


I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.


Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.


trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence


I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.


[on a date]

“I usually don’t do this but..”

*runs out on date so she has to pay*