Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

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Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.


The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.


Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes


My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.


Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.


“Can I help you find something?”

I’m looking for the perfect diamond for my wife that says “sorry I cheated on you in your dream last nite”


This is now a vegetable pun account. Please romaine calm.


I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert


Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves?

Me: Dying people are moths?


My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.