Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
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I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.