watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
You Might Also Like
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
17: Want to see a movie?
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
My neighbor once said he was as healthy as a horse. Today he broke his leg so I had to put him down.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”