Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
You Might Also Like
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
“Can I help you find something?”
I’m looking for the perfect diamond for my wife that says “sorry I cheated on you in your dream last nite”
This is now a vegetable pun account. Please romaine calm.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves?
Me: Dying people are moths?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.