@kelkulus

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

You Might Also Like

@IchBin_Rob

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

@meh_thinks

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

@caperbc75

“Can I help you find something?”

I’m looking for the perfect diamond for my wife that says “sorry I cheated on you in your dream last nite”

@EveInFlow

This is now a vegetable pun account. Please romaine calm.

@AndrewChamings

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

@XplodingUnicorn

Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves?

Me: Dying people are moths?

@ByrdMan0914

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.