Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
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Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.