@ThisOneSayz

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

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@stevevsninjas

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

@XplodingUnicorn

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

@ronnui_

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

@paraicodonnell

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

@CopernicusG

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

@Marlebean

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

@JediGigi

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

@ginnyhogan_

divorces should not cost money. you should actually get the money you spent on the wedding back, or at the very least, store credit.