Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
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I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
What’s this sorcery? 😂
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I’d hang this in my house.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Lube but for my dry humor.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.