Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
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I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.