Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
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Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.