Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
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[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Denise please return my vape pen
i smell a pulitzer
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!