Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
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They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.