Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
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Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
termite twitter scares me
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
#CoronaOutbreak
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
nature’s most graceful animal
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?