Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
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my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert