Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
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My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
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