Hey NSA… I accidentally deleted an email… Can I get you to forward me your copy?
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
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Is it against the law for postal workers to smile or was it my audacity to mail something?
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Safe words are for quitters.
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
I know we just got divorced, but would you mind showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet the way I like them?
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”