“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
You Might Also Like
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I’m not wrong
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,