@tehaveragejoel

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

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@glittergirlD43

Hey NSA… I accidentally deleted an email… Can I get you to forward me your copy?

@mstluvstrinkets

Is it against the law for postal workers to smile or was it my audacity to mail something?

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

@Browtweaten

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

@HenpeckedHal

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

@VictorscarletJ

I know we just got divorced, but would you mind showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet the way I like them?

@johnroderick

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

@PanicRestroom

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

@Marlebean

Parenting Tip:

Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.

“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”

“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”

“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”