this is the greatest thing ever
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Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
SPLOOT
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME