@joshgondelman

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

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@golubeerji

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

@NoorShamma

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

@tyleroakley

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

@Darlainky

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

@Moi_RaRa

Ok don’t judge me, but sometimes I wonder what color does a smurf turn into if I choke it.

@pixelatedboat

Clinton fan: Emails? That’s all you’ve got?
Me: She sold the Saudis the jets that are massacring Yemenis
Clinton fan: Emails? That’s all you

@abi4205

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

@goldengateblond

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

@Vodkantots

“How much for the supermodel?” *winks seductively

“Ma’am, that’s a mirror and you appear to be having a stroke.”

@JimGaffigan

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?