Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

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Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.


Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.


The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.


I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.


Ok don’t judge me, but sometimes I wonder what color does a smurf turn into if I choke it.


Clinton fan: Emails? That’s all you’ve got?
Me: She sold the Saudis the jets that are massacring Yemenis
Clinton fan: Emails? That’s all you


*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work


Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.


“How much for the supermodel?” *winks seductively

“Ma’am, that’s a mirror and you appear to be having a stroke.”


A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?