Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
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In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
That took me a moment.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money