@TheBeerGuy73

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

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@kjmeow

I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese

@dimplesticks

Me: My sister is pregnant

Him: Does she know the sex?

Me: I’m pretty sure that’s how she got pregnant

@truegritrumble

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

@NewDadNotes

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

@AbbyHasIssues

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

@robdelaney

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

@weinerdog4life

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

@decimoXIV

“The dub isn’t that bad, try it you’ll like it”

The dub:

@sixfootcandy

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

@bromanconsul

hiking is this great activity where u drive to a beautiful place and then spend an hour staring at the ground 2 make sure u don’t fall over